Yesterday, however, my 'overthinking' tendency surely helped me big time. It made me realize things that I haven't thought I could realize. It made me see the situation in a different light. Even I was amazed by myself! Good job, Jana (pat on the back)!
I talked to myself.
Why the hell are you so eager to ask and clarify your situation?
Two things: I want to know if any of it were real or true. I want to know if there is something for us to move forward to.
So, if ever both of you are moving forward, do you badly want the same thing?
Yes, of course!
Are you ready for that?
(Boom! I knew that was the turning point.) No, I am not. I don't think I can. I'll be leaving anytime soon. I'll start from zero when I move to Australia. Ideally speaking, the thought of a relationship with someone I love, whose company I enjoy, who makes me laugh and all the other characteristics I can think of about him is good and fun. Realistically speaking, relationships are work, too. Both of us have to work on it every single day to make it work and make damn sure it will last. Now, let's insert the reminder that we would be having a long-distance one. It is overwhelming enough! I can't possibly start a relationship with someone I'll be leaving behind anytime soon. To complicate things more, he'll eventually move to the US after I leave. Starting everything in my life as soon as I set foot in Australia is altogether too much to handle. To top it off with a freshly brewed relationship might push me to the limits of my sanity. One thing at a time. I don't want to insist on doing things I am, and probably him too, not totally ready for. It might make things worse for the both of us. I don't want that. I don't want to screw it up. I don't want it half-baked or half-cooked. I don't want to create a relationship that I am not entirely sure I can really fight for given the situation we will both be in. He is about to start his career, too. And in a different country. I possibly have no idea how we can actually make it work. But who knows, when we are both ready and in a better place in our respective lives, we can actually could start one. Okay, that's wishful thinking. Haha!
But were any of our moments real? Were any of his words and actions had meaning?
I don't really know but I know in my gut that he meant it. I just know it. The mere fact he is still here with me, as a friend, means he still values me and wants to keep me in his life. For me that's enough. It is enough justification that he didn't consider me as a past time, that all his efforts to me weren't for his ego or for fun and that he's actually keeping me. Our friendship may have started with a touch of weirdness or flirting or whatever but he did took an effort to get to know me. I had enjoyed every time we spent together. The conversations and laughter we shared are my favorite memories of him. So whatever his initial intentions really were and regardless of, I know he showed me a part of himself. I know he opened his life to me and he allowed me to be in it. I know we have each other as good friends. We're a good team actually!
So yes, I have decided not to open the topic of our possible future together when I made peace with him yesterday. Though I have tried twice, we ended up arguing twice, too. He kept on rubbing to my face that we are okay. Very much okay. I didn't get it at first but now I do. We are okay. Just like this. Being like this. Let's not ruin this. I also got the message that he really does not want to talk about it because it would just complicate things for us. Besides, there really is nothing to talk about. I believe we (well, I realized it later than him though) both mutually understood now where we actually stand. There are things that you just have to take for what they really are, I guess. There are also things best left unspoken of.
You are both a blessing and a lesson. At the end of the day, I found out that I'm not ready for you. I'll let that romantic part go and I'll keep this friendship part. I am more than okay with that. Frankly, I really didn't expect you would still be along for the ride. I thought you would be like the other guys who would just diss girls after they got bored. That's enough to be thankful for. I surely have a wider smile on my face today. And no, I am not bitter at all. Seriously, there's nothing to be bitter about. I feel totally relieved and happy. I know I got a little bit overboard crazy about our situation. But now, the thought of you doesn't make me feel frustrated or sad anymore. And I don't think I miss you more than I should. :D
The way you came into my life was a breath of fresh air and all new to me. It was flashing lightbulbs kind of shocking. It was heart-beating-out-of-my-chest kind of scary, too. Thank you for letting me experience this. Now I know how it feels like, to be surprisingly pampered and pursued. You made me feel really special. What we are and what we have become wasn't new but the process was all new to me. Thank you because you might not know it but you helped me become emotionally mature by seeing the bigger picture of certain events. You helped me realize that being aggressive deserves some timing, too. The absence of bitterness when you very subtly rejected me in a way is all new to me. It feels good not to have ill feelings every after sad endings. Thank you for this. Thank you because I know you still have my back as my friend. You made me realize that stories doesn't have to have a happy ending all the time. Sometimes, it just have to be the right and perfect ending for the both of you.
Wow, this feels like life-changing. Overstimulating your brain cells and overthinking has its perks, too. Haha! Jana, you have started the year right.