Before the year ends, I would like to get this out of my system. I would like to start the new year without this feeling of heaviness or sadness, without the thought of you and what's really going on bothering me incessantly and either with or without you in my life.
I don't know where and how to start this. I don't know how will I be able to tell you all of this in person while holding back my tears. I guess it's better this way. I don't see you and you don't see me. (But you don't even read this so I might just spill this all out to you sometime soon. Para naman hindi pointless. I don't know. Whatever. Anyway.)
First of all, I know I had told you this already, I had so much to be thankful for in the past 6 months we had known each other. Yes, it was short but I had enjoyed the times we spent together, the seemingly endless conversations we had and the moments in between that we got to know each other a little better. Weirdly enough, you made opening myself to you somehow easier. I don't let people in easily and that often, you know that.
Somewhere along the way though, I admit, I doubted what your intentions really were. Until now, I still do. I just took everything you said and did to me so casual. Maybe that's your way of befriending someone? But frankly, you made me nervous every single day you made me smile. You scared the hell out of me after every phone call and recalling how many times I laughed during the conversation. You made me uncomfortable at first but unfortunately, you got me. My friends told me to just let you do what you do and stop offending you with my subtle sarcasm. After all, you might have meant what you said and did. So I did give you the benefit of the doubt. But you know what was the turning point and what scared me the most was I found myself reciprocating little by little. We are or were friends but really, are or were we?
Or was it just for plain fun? Am I 'it was fun while it lasted' for you? I don't know if you remember but I asked you before what the real deal was and all you ever said was that you'll answer me at the right time. If I ask you that again now, what will you answer me?
Forgive me if I don't know how to attack accordingly this issue at hand. This is all new to me. I don't know what your side is and what are your reasons are but from my own perspective, you don't treat people like that after they had slowly let you in. You don't just enter into someone's life and treat them subtly like crap. You don't make someone feel special then treat them like nothing by ignoring them. You know I had never been demanding. It's not in my nature. But at this point, I believe I need answers. I want answers. It's only fair for me to ask you these, right? Because I deserve better than this. You know I don't let anyone treat me like crap. So this has got to stop, really. Stop showering me with unnecessary sweetness and care if you don't really, really mean it because all it does was confuse me. Stop hugging me or asking for hugs because it wouldn't help. We should also stop texting and calling each other through our petnames for each other. Stop calling me and we should also stop spending time together because I would just miss you badly thereafter. More than anything else, stop making up excuses because it will only tire you. And no, don't use the argument "I thought you understood." on me. Because I really did understood you. Until now, I still am. I'm trying, at the very least. I honestly supported you all the way and that is not part of the issue. Now, it's your time to understand me and be downright honest with me, too. You were even busier before, yet you bothered. Now that we are both less busier, I expected that we will be back to our normal routine. But we aren't. Will we ever be? What really happened to us? We were very much okay. Or is it because I'm leaving already? Weren't you the one who told me to just enjoy and live in the moment rather than worry about my departure? Or am I just making these all up in my head that something has changed? I want you to explain to me what's going on, instead of ignoring me and making up excuses. I think it's already unfair for my part because you had been putting me on a spot which I'm not really sure of. Maybe it's my fault that I let you lead me on and I fell in your trap when you led me on. You see, that's the crappy thing about me. I'm generally easy to please. It doesn't take much to make me smile. It doesn't take much to make me happy. I care too much once I consider you special. I wear my heart on my sleeves, no matter how hard I try to keep it. That's just me and that's the way I am. It's sad because I feel like you took advantage of it. And yes, I was stupid that I didn't realize that until recently. Just because I'm here for you doesn't mean you can take advantage of me. I've had enough already. Nakakasakit ka na rin kasi. At napapagod na ako mag-isip.
Whatever your reasons are or whatever you have to say, I'm willing to listen. And I would understand. Even it may be tough but I really would. Didn't you know it by now? Regardless of whatever our status really is, or maybe I'm just too delusional for me to think that there is something unspoken of or mutual between us, I sincerely hope we can work this out. As much as I would like to let this go, I can't. I need answers. If I can make you speak through my all out honestly, even if it means embarrassing myself in front of you, I would. Because I would like to keep you as a friend, at the very least. It's not too late to start with a clean slate. I simply refuse to believe that you are that kind of person. This probably comes as a shock so I won't pressure you to answer me right away. However, if I don't hear anything from you even before or after I leave, well, maybe what we had built in the past 6 months isn't worth fighting or even rescuing for and it is just best to consider it as a memory.