June — almost half of the year has passed. And you know that feeling? The feeling that time just passed you by? Then you look back over the past few months and it feels like you haven’t done or accomplished anything?
That’s what I am feeling right now.
Residency -- check.
Last and final paper for my degree -- check.
Job -- check.
And then what?
Yes, these are accomplishments. Fruits of my hardwork, no doubt. But I want something else. Something more unpredictable than these. Something different. Something non-mediocre. I crave for something that doesn’t have anything to do with status, position or money.
(An excerpt from an unpublished entry in June 2015, which I recently discovered among my files)
The past ten years (OMG, has it been that long?) of my life was all about following the expected. The predictable. You go to college, get a degree, find a job. Then, if you're lucky, you get married and have kids. Somewhere in between being an adult and having adult responsibilities, I realized that I somehow lost a part of myself. I eventually stopped doing things that I genuinely enjoy because I was too tired or too busy. Then I became too uninspired. I focused on career -- something that somehow gave a little something to my bank account but never the satisfaction that I was looking for. I gave real life a chance and more than enough time and effort at the expense of putting my passion on hold. Over the years, I also became less audacious because putting things on hold for too long creates room for self-doubt.
There are days when I ask myself, "What the hell are you doing, woman?" or "Why?" because sometimes it doesn't really make sense to me anymore. I just want to quit and drop everything. However, I'm not a quitter. I'm not the kind of person who surrenders and surrenders just because. I'd rather fail than raise the white flag. So I tried. I tried really, really hard. I gave all I can give. If you don't call it my best shot then I don't know what that is. Moving here was definitely and undoubtedly the best decision I have ever made in my 27 years of existence but apparently, it still wasn't enough. I'm beyond grateful, please don't get me wrong. I wouldn't be where I am right now, literally and figuratively speaking, without the efforts that I made for the past ten years. And without that long detour and experience, I wouldn't be able to strongly validate to myself where my heart really, really belongs (Well, I really didn't need that much time to figure it out because I've known it since day one but...) and how badly I really, really want it.
There are days when I ask myself, "What the hell are you doing, woman?" or "Why?" because sometimes it doesn't really make sense to me anymore. I just want to quit and drop everything. However, I'm not a quitter. I'm not the kind of person who surrenders and surrenders just because. I'd rather fail than raise the white flag. So I tried. I tried really, really hard. I gave all I can give. If you don't call it my best shot then I don't know what that is. Moving here was definitely and undoubtedly the best decision I have ever made in my 27 years of existence but apparently, it still wasn't enough. I'm beyond grateful, please don't get me wrong. I wouldn't be where I am right now, literally and figuratively speaking, without the efforts that I made for the past ten years. And without that long detour and experience, I wouldn't be able to strongly validate to myself where my heart really, really belongs (Well, I really didn't need that much time to figure it out because I've known it since day one but...) and how badly I really, really want it.
"Life is not to be endured. Life is to be enjoyed. If there is something that you want to change, you have all the power in the world to change it. There is courage to be found within the hearts of those who refuse to simply stomach their life, within those who pledge to confront what makes them unhappy, or ungrateful, and focus on the things that do the opposite." - Bianca Sparacino
Thus, for 2016, I will devote time and effort on doing things that I used to love and enjoy (This includes writing, so expect more written thoughts from me -- not that anyone really reads them. Haha! My writing skill and my blog must be resurrected along with other things!). Most importantly, I am giving my heart a chance it deserves. And hopefully, somewhere along the way, I will be able to find and bring back that courageous, passionate, go-getter lady that I lost.
It is time to do something different, it is time to embrace the unknown. - Bianca Sparacino