I never thought that this would be the day, the day when it's all over. Parang kagabi lang gusto ko nang malaman kung ano na ba ang real deal tapos chenen, isang text lang ni Bobbie few hours ago at tapos na ang lahat. With her text, alam ko nang bad news e. My heart was racing and palpitating at nanginginig na ako sa nerbyos. But I knew I had to hear it kahit malakas na ang kutob ko kung ano yun, alam kong masasaktan na ako once she utter those next words but I really had to hear it nang matapos na...
Hearing what the bad news was, whew, I just didn't know what to react exactly.
I guess a part of me was a little or partly surprised because deep in my heart, oo, umasa ako. Kala ko merong US na mangyayari pero wala. Since day 1 naman ata umasa na ako e. Mas lalo na nung I was able to know him little by little with the nightly YM conversations. I didn't realize that he already occupied that special place in my heart na ready umopen ng bonggang-bongga pag darating siya. Siya kasi talaga yung gusto ko e pero syempre, di ko naman ipipilit ang sarili ko diba? Sorry if I sound pathetic, wala pa ako sa rational state ko.
A part of me wanted to breakdown and cry but my mom and brother was just seating across me so I had to hold back the tears. Ang sakit. Yeah, well, I had my fair share of shed tears kanina. It's gonna flood once I break the news to my friends. I badly need my friends.
A part of me was already relieved that I don't have to wait for him anymore. Na wala nang "To be Continued" o "Abangan ang susunod na Kabanata." Pero ang sakit talaga. Kasi akala ko kahit papano something will happen pero as I've said to him nung Christmas, at paninindigan ko yun, "I'd rather lose you as my special someone than as a friend." Pero syempre once that news hits you, you really can't help but be sad and hurt.
In fact, I don't exactly know what to feel right now pero I'm crying while I'm typing this.
It's all gone. The wishful thinking. The wondering. The waiting. The kilig feeling. The smile he was able to put back to my face again. The happiness he gave me. It's good and bad at the same time, isn't it? Verdict has been said. May maganda mang idudulot o idinulot sakin to, at the same time, it is hurting me bad.
Kung iisipin, there was nothing going on between us. I don't know how you call it pero in general, wala lang yun. Wala naman kaming pinanghahawakan. Yun ang masakit dun e, ewan ko kung pinaramdam ba nya or masyado lang ba akong assuming. Pero bottomline, wala talaga. Wala siyang sinabi at wala rin akong sinabi (Until this Christmas.). But I guess we had that connection. Oo, what we had wasn't enough para masabi kong his heart was mine. But what we had, as far as I know, was enough justification kung bakit ako nasasaktan ng ganito. Yung di naman nakakaalam ng real story might think this is a pointless hurt. Oo. Siguro. Pero para sakin, may reason kung bakit masakit... Sana hindi na lang siya naging ganun sakin kung eto lang pala kahahantungan nito. I'm not mad at him or whatsoever. As I've always said in the past entries, I have a lot to be grateful for sa kanya. Sana lang hindi siya naging ganun at hindi naman ako nagpakatanga sa kanya...
After a year and a month, it all boils down to this and it all ends here. I thought you are my prince charming, my knight-in-shining armor. Yeah, I honestly, honestly thought you were. But you weren't. Though you used to call me princess, I'm not the princess you wanted to sweep off after all. I wanted to be that girl but I know you don't. Tama na to, ayaw ko na masaktan so I'm gonna let you go and move on with my life. I am willing to let you go. No more waiting and wondering and holding on. This ends tonight. So Goodbye and thank you so much. :)
I know the words and thoughts here are very crappy. I can't think straight. Whew.
But I'm gonna be fine after all of this. I know I will be. I should be...