first and foremost, this is written (typewritten, to be exact) not out of bitterness. it's me wanting to say my very first and final words to and for you. it's my heart's sentiments that i know you wouldn't even care to listen to.
for the past 7 months, i cannot deny i am happy with you. anyone who knows me and heard about you knew that the reason why my smile's different is because of you. masaya na ako seeing you from afar. kahit nga picture lang e...
for the past four years, i vowed never to entrust my heart to anyone who's just similar to the guys i fell in love with. i stayed away from love. pushed suitors away. controlled my heart and used my mind more. it's a personal choice. i had broken my heart many times and the least that i want to happen to my heart is to get it broken again by another jackass. mahirap na ngang magpulot at mag-ayos ng sariling puso nang mag-isa, bat ko sisirain ulit?
then that four years had passed and i saw you... oh gosh, i just knew at that moment i had to know you. then eventually we knew each other na, thanks to your beloved sister. at i-cut na natin ang story jan...
as the days pass, i will not deny i am starting to like you more each day. for the simple things you did for, for the simple words you said to me, it was enough to make me high for the whole day. ikaw lang ang nakapag-palpitate sa puso ko ng ganun after the longest time... ikaw lang nakakapagpa-kaba at nakakapag-panginig ng tuhod ko ng ganun... then the next thing i knew, i was already opening my heart. i knew, i just knew, i was ready to risk because i know you are worth it. and who knows, you might be the one whom i had been waiting for ever since?
then that day came. nasaktan mo ko. siyempre nang di mo alam. but after a day or two, i was okay. e kasi, sino ba naman ako para mag-inarte diba? tayo ba? hindi naman. so i succumbed my sadness and focused on my school stuff. sabi ko din nun ayaw ko na. baka maling idea na sayo ko buksan ang puso ko... so okay na...
tas anjan ka na naman. ano ba yan... then i found myself being grateful because what was happening was more than i wished and expected... mas masaya ako, oo. pero dumating sa point na i got scared because mukhang iba patutunguhan nito...
then ayun na nga. that night came. i just found myself surprised with what i saw. wala akong nasabi. i just felt the tears rolling down my eyes uncontrollably. i had to hide. tapos nung nag-usap tayo, i had to do what i do best -- pretend as if nothing happened. alam mo ba kung gano kahirap yun? pagang-paga na mata ko at barado na ilong ko sa kakaiyak pero i have to sound happy... ang sakit sakit...
just to clear things up, hindi ako galit. i don't hold any grudge against you. shit, kung alam mo lang kasi... pero kung alam mo ba, ano gagawin mo? wala naman diba?
pero masakit kasi. hindi man ako nag-expect pero hindi mo maaalis sakin na magkaroon ng kahit konting hope. at doon ako mali. i should have known better. i was asking myself last night, bat kasi hindi na lang ako? e pero ganun talaga...
but you know what, wala naman akong pinagsisihan e. utang na loob ko pa nga sayo yun e because i have never smiled the way you made me smile for years. kaya salamat. i had never been inspired the way you inspire me for years. kaya salamat. i had never known what patience really means until i met you. kaya salamat. plus, we had built a friendship. i won't throw it away just because i like you and i might start to fall for you sooner or later... oh well, simula pa lang naman, i admit interesado na talaga ako sayo... and i know you won't catch me so before i fall, i need to pull back myself to reality... at eto na nga yun. reality hit me hard last night...
it hit me hard and made me realize na itigil na ang kahibangan na to... pangalawa na to. hindi ko na hihintayin ang pangatlo... tama na, kelangan ko na magising sa katotohanan na hanggang dito lang tayo talaga... kaya utang na loob? tama na. tigilan mo na ako sa kakaganyan mo... give me space nang maayos ko sarili ko ng konti, mejo ginulo mo kasi e...
wag ka mag-alala. we will still be friends. and this is something you will never know... at just like what mara said, wag sana dumating ang panahon na mas mapapansin mo na ako kung kelan mas interesado na ako sa ibang tao...
kasi, alam mo yun, 'inintay kita noon...'
and to his sister, salamat kasi if not for her, i wouldn't have met him. aside from us getting close and gaining more friends, i guess isa rin ito sa mga purpose kung bat kami naging grpmates at nahiwalay ako sa barkada ko nung community. wag ka mag-explain sis, just in case na maisip mo, kasi wala kang dapat i-explain. i'm okay. ito na lang siguro yung finale ko sa kuya mo, ayaw ko na. talaga. hindi na rin kita nagawang tanungin kasi i am not in the position to even bother and ask diba? like i said, kami ba? di naman. so yun. sinabi ko lang din sayo to as a friend, not as someone who was interested in your brother... salamat na lang sa pagiging messenger namin. sabi mo nga, mukhang wala kang naitutulong sa buhay ko tuwing naglulumpasay ako sa kilig, pero kung binasa mo to maigi, meron nga. salamat sa lahat ng mga info and kwento mo about him...
tapos na ang pangangarap ko.
tapos na ang story.
tapos na ang paghihintay.
no more looking out for signs.
eto ata ang kapalit ng 2 letrang dagdag sa pangalan ko. na mas pipiliin ko naman kesa sa kanya no.
actually, isa ka rin sa mga reason why i was inspired for my board exams so kahit papano, i owe you that. shit, kung alam mo lang gano ako ka-excited to come home just to talk to you. and when i feel bored or sad, picture mo sa wallpaper ko lang tignan ko, okay na ako ulit e...
ayun, pangarapin at pagnasaan mo na lang ako kasi hinding-hindi mo na ako matitikman pa. haha.
he's not meant to handle me and i won't push myself sa taong ayaw naman.
why waste time and bother?
so ayun, paalam.
i know i'll meet the man for me at the right time... i'll fall in love again at the right time with the right man...