Yes, that was the last piece of effort I can give, my last string of trying. Kinain ko na ang pride ko to even tell you how I miss you so much and then what? I admit, I expected a much better response, even a well thought of alibi. And that was it. That was my limit na ikaw mismo ang naglagay para sa akin. You made it very clear now for me.
I shouldn't have done that in the first place because I was starting to let you go and move on with my life. But hearing your side made me want to talk to you and settle things. Ako na nga ang nag-open ng topic e, I asked you kung may problema ba tayo or kung galit ka sakin. Ano ang reply mo sakin? Dude, that was the safest and one of the unconvincing alibis I have ever heard in my entire life. That was your chance to speak up but you didn't. Obviously, you didn't want to settle this issue and I get it. Maybe it's not the right time or maybe there will never be the right time. Kung may dapat talaga tayo pag-usapan at kung importanteng mapag-usapan, you'll answer me appropriately but you didn't. Idadahilan mo sakin na nagfofocus ka for your boards? I wanted to believe you but I just don't.
This is too personal but for the sake of me letting this out of my system, I'll speak about this as if you are reading this.
... I missed you. so much. I never thought I still would after all that happened -- na akala ko may iba ka all this time, the argument we had, na feeling ko pinaasa mo lang ako. Missing you didn't hit me until recently, almost a week before this revelation. After what seemed to be a big argument, I thought we were okay. After the initial talk that we had after the argument, malamang pareho tayo nangangapa if okay na ba tayo. But the succeeding talks after that seem the same -- very cold. For the sake of us being civil, i guess. Hindi naman ako tanga para di mapansin yun na we are talking for the sake of answering questions that we threw at each other. Hindi ka na nagkukuwento at napaka-shallow ng conversations natin which was so far from the previous talks that we had. Hindi tayo ganun mag-usap. I thought at that point na it was because of the argument that we had pero hindi pala...
... How sure are you na it was you that we were referring to? If there was a conversation na it was you we were referring to, sorry kung nasaktan ka sa mga pinagsasasabi namin. really sorry. Pero sana naman alamin mo kung bakit kami naasar sayo. Di lang naman ikaw ang nasaktan, ako rin. I just didn't know na you were hurt too kasi i thought you didn't care.
... Can you blame me entirely for this? You never gave me enough affirmation and an upfront confirmation regarding us so what do you expect me to do? Malamang umaayon lang ako sa pinapakita mo sakin or sa mga nalalaman ko because I don't want to look desperate at umaasa and I don't want to place myself in a position na masasaktan ako ng sobra dahil sa walang kasiguraduhang sitwasyon natin. If there's one thing my previous experiences taught me yun ay yung huwag masyado magpadala sa mga pa-ganyan ganyan. I don't want to assume and maybe there are things that you did that I overlooked. Bakit kasi hindi mo pa ako tinapat? Bakit mo pa ako pinakikiramdaman? Ikaw kaya tong lalaki! Yun lang naman kasi ang hinihintay ko sayo tapos yun rin pala ang hinihintay mo sakin. Kakaiba ka naman! Habang tumatagal, don't tell me hindi mo pa rin nahalata? Ano ba! Before you even came, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na ayoko na and you changed it all. Hindi mo lang alam how big that step was for me. Takot na akong mag-risk ng puso ko but I was willing to risk it for you because I know you will be worth it, ikaw lang talaga inaantay ko because I still want to be sure somehow. You being sweet and honest and open to me wasn't enough justification that you feel something for me, I need for you to say it! DUH! I need to hear it because I want to know kung hanggang landian na lang ba talaga tayo or may patutunguhan tayo. Nagegets mo ba what i am trying to say? And who would have even thought na aabot tayo sa ganito? Before, Kuya-ka-lang-ni-Kla-na-type-ko, ngayon, AY NAKO! Nakakaloka ka lang.
...Right at this point, tama na. I did my part. Kung later on e maisipan mo akong kausapin about this, kahit wala nang point, willing naman akong kausapin ka just to clear my side at yung iniisip mo sakin and we'll see what happens next. OO, dati kahit sabihin ko na ayaw ko na, part of me gusto pa rin kita because somewhere in my heart believes na what we have will prosper. I didn't have the confirmation na you were interested in me too until I heard it that you are missing me and what we used to have and what we used to do. Oo, nafifeel ko naman na baka may gusto ka rin talaga sakin but as I've said earlier, if there's one thing I learned from my previous experiences, that is never to assume. (Pero sabi nga ng bestfriend ko, huwag din ako mag-overanalyze or masyadong magpaka-patay malisya.) Oo, kinikilig ako sa mga statements mo na may pagka-corny or yung mga little sweet nothings. Pero ayoko isipin na yun na yun. Rumaride lang ako pero underneath the sweet nothings that I said, I really meant it and I was hoping that you really meant what you said. Kaya sana naman, intindihin mo rin yung side ko kung why I appear to be playing safe or parang urong sulong ako. I don't intend to pero you seem to give me the reason to do it. I just don't want to fall for someone again na wala na naman patutunguhan. I am really scared to get hurt again but with you I just knew I am willing to open my heart for you. Kung alam mo lang, gusto na kitang halikan para tapos na no! No more mind games! Ayun na nga e, I am starting to show how I feel (subtle lang kasi yun dude, ewan ko kung nahalata mo pero alam ko halata naman!) tapos malalaman ko na may iba. Alam ko kasi na I wasn't the one you were referring to sa isang conversation that i read in your FB page. So what else do you expect me to do? E di back down. In the first place, you being all nice and sweet to me wasn't enough justification na it was me all this time. Sa sobrang ayaw ko lagyan ng kulay ang mga bagay-bagay between us, na-overlook ko ang fact na you being very open and honest to me regarding some personal issues is also a big step for you. Isang malaking katangahan ko daw sabi ng bestfriend ko. But then again, not enough basis. God knows how much I really liked you. I almost fell in love with you, I think. I know you are worth it. You were worthy of my time. Hindi lang talaga meant to happen yung 'tayo'. That's just how it is.