...

--> -->says it's over. i know in my heart it is. i might have said this before but can anyone blame and kill me if i tell you now i sort of lied because i was unsure? i've reached the point of acceptance and i know where my right place is. that's what i needed ever since. for once, my heart and mind said the same thing. am i happy? yes. but deep down? no, i'm not. but i'm letting go. :)

Nurses Oathtaking 2009

19 august 2009


so yun na lang pala yun. it just ended there and also begins there.

- used (more like overused) my new 'baby'. :)
- buzzer beater lang kami ng mom ko. pano nag-effort talaga ako magpaganda! tapos nasa kanto na kami when i remembered that i forgot my camera battery sa bahay kaya i went back home pa ulit.
- nagkahiwa-hiwalay na kami as usual. too bad, we're kinda late na para umupo in the middle where most of my batchmates were seated.
- there were TONS of people, my gosh. ANG INIT!
- saw a lot of high school batchmates. :)
- pwede ba namang mawala ang okrayan namin nina mara and pits?!?! unstoppable. hahaha! *kala mo kung sino e no?!*
- sang the national anthem twice. FUNNY.
- may PRC hymn pala?! haha.
- STAR kami that morning. UERM people. especially our dean. hahaha! SAYAAAA. haha. sana lang talaga masaya na siya at sila. enough frustrations already, please. nakapag-oath na o.
- picture galore with batchmates. :) love love. :)

PERO BITTER PA RIN AKO.

HEAVEN, DI TAYO NAGKITA! mom and i waited for you for 30 minutes or so kahit superrr init na. hahaha. she thought may bibigay ako sayo but when she found out that we were supposed to have our picture in uniform lang pala, she laughed at me. hahaha! sorry, nagkasalisihan kasi tayo... sad ako, ang dami ko na nakita. sayo lang ako sablay. tsk. oh well, next time na lang... hopefully sabay tayo makuha for training. wee. :)

move your ass, girl. REALLY.

lately, i had been thinking, what do i want to do?

i'm not pertaining to my grand vacation plans or catching up with my friends. i mean, REALLY. WHAT DO I REALLY WANT TO DO?

last saturday, i attended a sort of 'preview seminar' of a network business. it wasn't my thing. it's just that i misinterpreted what dae, the one who invited me to come and see this thing, told me over the phone that's why i attended... business talking aside, it made my thinking bulb light up. basically that 'seminar' talked about the business itself and how it can help one to reach their goals and dreams with the help of the money that you will about to earn.

it's not the money that made me really think but it's my goals and dreams. the goals and dreams that i made myself. the goals and dreams na dapat simulan ko na talaga, now that i have graduated already. the goals and dreams ko na ayan na o, i am one step up already, i have to get going to step two already! i have adequate dreams and goals for myself and for my family as well. kaya if i want to reach them all in the timeframe that i alloted for myself, i should get going and MOVE MY ASS BIG TIME!

but here's the thing, i am confused with what i really want to do with my life. i don't know where to start! before, i was super excited to get over this academic life and graduate. now that i graduated, took the boards and passed, I AM OVERWHELMED. sa dami ng gusto ko at kailangan gawin, i don't really know where to start. i don't even know what to do next after all of these! and now, i have to figure out that first as well!

gosh, eto ang epekto sa akin pag nababakante ang utak ko. it's either i have nothing else to think because i don't want to think or i have too much to think naman all at the same time! hay nakooo.

sapul.

i shouldn't care,right?in as much as i want you to set the deal,i don't have the right.but don't let me make you.i want to get away,but everytime you do that,you ignite my hope.i don't want to stay kung ganito lang din naman.what else do you want from me? i WAS willing to give my heart for you but now,i will not wait for you to be REALLY mine. don't take me for granted at wag mo naman ako pahirapan...

alam mo, kasalanan mo rin yan! hahaha. di ka mahihirapan if you choose not to... tsktsk.! wala. nanginis lang!

aray ah. sana man lang kung sasampalin mo ko, warningan mo naman ako para may option ako umilag. sapul e. and now that i'm the one who's stubborn, aasarin mo ko? can't you just support me? and for the record, i am not in pain. mahirap lang kasi it's all confusing or whatever. BASTA i can handle myself, okay? thanks for the reminder. don't worry, i won't bug you with my own shit.

i never said that you can't come to me. naku jana! i was just saying that don't let these kind of things cloud your better judgment. you're better than this or than him. it is confusing, but you'd only be more confused if you let yourself be caught by his bait. think about it. you react like this, when you can just walk away. you might be able to catch him off guard, but in the end, who really is having the harder time...

e kasi naman, hindi ko na nga maintindihan sarili ko tapos sinabihan mo pa ko ng ganyan! now i know how it feels pag pinaprangka kita. but i know you were just talking sense to me and i was stupidly defending my own actions. do you think it hasn't occurred to me that i was making myself a fool? i know i am better than this. alam ko naman na pinaiikot lang niya ko e. i so want to walk away, i just don't know how exactly. heaven, give me time please? let him hit me harder yun lang ang hihingin ko sayo. then you can lecture me later, please?

fine. ill let you figure it out on your own. yun din naman ang best way eh. im just here my friend...

napilitan ka? haha. napaiyak mo ko dun sa sinabi mo ah, bwisit ka. haha. but thank you. for letting me do this on my own. whatever happens, i'll come out just fine, i assure you that. and thanks ulit kasi i know you hate me being in this state but i trust and appreciate you for having my back when he finally and forever turn his back (or whoever) on me. and i know you know how occasionally weak i am inside, so will you be hard on me again when you have to? and kahit naman hindi mo sabihin, i know you will always be there. so thank you.



so that was my conversation with my bestfriend over facebook.

you don't have to call me stupid because i know i am. so why i am still doing this? why am i still here and seem to insist myself on him?

yes, i said that i will lose the hope in my own system. it was easy because i wasn't in love with him. YET. but everytime he appears and says these things to me, i can't help to somehow wish he really means what he said... blame me for being hopeless romantic. by now, i think or i know that he is somehow playing with my feelings. i know naman na may iba e, so why the hell is he doing this to me??

keith once asked me, 'marie, di ko naman sa sinasabi ko na totoo to, pero what if, what if pang-back up ka lang pala niya?'

ayoko mang isipin na pang-back up lang ako dahil nakakainsulto but keith raised a good point. 2 lang yan, it's either he really means what he said to me or tinutulak lang niya ako sa sarili niyang patibong.

my bestfriend's right, i can just walk away but part of me wants to stay. i want to walk away because i know i do not deserve to be treated this way. i had been nice to him. until now. when i can just really ignore him. given that what keith speculated was true at seryoso talaga siya dun sa girl, ang sakit lang... hindi ako file na gagawin mong back-up. hindi ako bagay that you can play with. don't mess with my feelings!

but i want to stay because i hope that one day he'll notice me and stop taking me for granted. i want to stay because i want to know why. i know there is a reason why he did and is doing this to me. whatever the real reason is, pinaglalaruan man niya ako or he really means what he said, i want to know it. masakit man o ikakatuwa ko. i am pissed and confused at the same time and i am near the verge of confronting him to set the deal. i want to deal with this on my own and as soon as possible nang matapos na tong mga unanswered questions because that's the only thing that makes me stay rooted in this crazy situation.

malapit na ata kita maging mahal. i wouldn't be like this if this is just a pathetic crush. and i guess i really have to expect the unexpected now huh? this will either be a disaster bound to happen or a beginning of a new love story...

cory and my grannies. :(

you know what's sadder with all these tv coverage of former President Cory Aquino's burial? i was able to watch it and it reminded me of my grandparents... i wasn't even present or to even witness my OWN grandparents' burial... the price i have to pay for being two letters heavier huh? :'(

four days ago, the former President Cory Aquino lost to her year-long battle with colon cancer. the way people paid respect by attending her wake and burial was surprising for her family that she left behind because though she is a famous spiritual and political figure, she remained behind the scene as much as possible after her term. even for me, i was surprised and somehow overwhelmed i guess, because it was as if i saw what happened in 1983, when people mourned for his husband, Benigno Aquino.

the way people responded to her death cannot be questioned because she was our former President whose husband, also a famous political figure, was assassinated when he went against the Marcos government. we lost a good person in the society. i may not be alive during the 1983 and i may be a little child when she became president but i know that she may not be the best but she is the good president that i know of. yeah, well, that makes her the best actually. haha.

but i have to agree with what my mom said. she was placed in presidential position because of the people's hatred for Marcos and people's mouring over her husband's death whom they place blame on Marcos and her will to help the people as well. it's not as if her term was really useless but she didn't do anything significant, economically speaking. yes, being a president is a tough job. let alone being a woman and proving to the rest of the society that 'you are not just simple a woman' but a woman of character and strength and someone who can handle a country. having 9 coup attempts against her administration raised the question of her authority, strength and capability as president. surviving 9 coup attempts gave the answers to that question that she was able to overcame this militants. i guess this is where the people's respect originated. she was a woman, a mother, a friend, a spiritual person, a grandmother, a wife, a president all combined in one persona and we have to applaud her for being able to balance them all and be good in every category that she was in.

but then again, watching her wake and burial, it reminded me of my lola. she also died of cancer, lung cancer. it made me realize how much i missed the moment. i mean, i could and should have been there. before, during and after her death. when i was younger, she used to take care of me because we used to live with her. but when my parents were able to find a house of their own, the bonding and the moments become lesser and lesser. tipong reunion na lang kami nagmi-meet. then hanggang sa hindi na talaga because she got sick. i was only able to visit her twice in the hospital. blame it to my hectic school sched. and i was able to attend the first say of her wake lang. yeah, call me 'what-the-hell-of-granddaughter-this-girl-is' but my family and relatives didn't want me to come. they told me that i should focus on my review for board exams and to not be stressed about the family situation. my grandma would have said the same thing, i know. i was not able to take all of it in yet then four days later, my grandpa died as well. that hit me hard. i was in antipolo for our review then upon waking up, i read my mom's text. i was like, 'this is so not happening.' i was shocked and i cried. i so want to fly to iloilo and be there to see them both for the last time but i wasn't able to...

buti nga yung kay cory nakita ko diba? it just saddens me na sa ibang tao nakita ko. samantalang ung sa sarili kong kamag-anak, hindi. tapos on the 40th of my grandparents, nalaman ko na medyo may tampo sakin ang lola ko kasi di ko na daw siya dinadalaw. it was said to me by her friend. do you know how it hurts to hear that?? oh gosh. i guess i really missed out a lot with her... i don't know how can i still make up for that. i know i can't... kaya to my grandparents, sorry for not being the best granddaughter. fault is on my part. i hope that you don't hate me for this. i promise to try my very best to make you still proud of me regardless of my inadequacies as your granddaughter. i may not be the best granddaughter but i hope you will be proud of me somehow that i am your granddaughter. maybe i can make up for time lost in the future. when we see each other again... pero wag muna ngayon lola and lolo, ha? i miss you both. love you both much. hug.

and HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY TO MY BESTFRIEND! :)